Want to Get Real-Life Defriended by a Mother? Say These 12 Things


Anyone who follows this site will understand this post is *OBVIOUSLY SATIRICAL.*

Newcomers, take a moment to think about what the above picture symbolizes to you. The mother, naked and vulnerable, preserves a bubble of peace with her baby, in seemingly necessary quarantine from the bold, harsh words that hope to infiltrate their haven with little concern for the affect it might have upon them.

Here are not-so-uncommon perspectives (inspired by actual commentary I’ve seen or heard) that demonstrate how to upset and further isolate yourself from the not-so-uncommon kind of woman described above. 

1). Let him cry… it’s good for his lungs.

Then try to convince her that dropping him on his head is good for his brain.

2). You’ll spoil her.

A baby spoils by being carried just like an apple spoils simply by being carried. That’s how it works.

3). She’ll never learn to walk.

Then you can explain how it’s better for both of them if the child is forced to walk everywhere. It’s not like it’d inhibit the mother from moving about in a timely manner or result in the child feeling abandoned.

4). Spanking isn’t abuse.

If you hit, slap, or smack an adult anywhere on his body, he’d be justifiably pissed and might even get trigger happy dialing 911. But the equivalent assault upon a child is an educational tool. It’s a lesson in physics, authority, anatomy, and psychology all rolled into one. In this instance, her child is the aggressor and she who wields the belt or flat palm, well, there we have the victim you should feel sorry for.

5). Cover up.

Nipples! Yes, definitely point out that she has female nipples, and not only do you know they’re there (even if you can’t see them), make sure you call her offensive for using them! On her baby! Just as inappropriate as using her vagina on her baby as he entered the world!

6). Attention seeker.

Well, she’s a mother now. She knew what she was getting into. Through her repeated pleas for support and understanding you can see she’s struggling… with a pitiful case of maternal martyrdom.

7). Nursing is just for the mother.

Are babies so ignorable and invisible in our culture that they, along with their needs, disappear into thin air whenever they go quiet? Yes. Though it’s admittedly a curious irony that a baby falls peaceful and unheard once he achieves a grip on his mother’s teat, we know he didn’t really “need” her. Because, bottles and formula and rice cereal and daycare and mothers’ excuse to not work.

8). It’s time for real foods.

Once the mother has emptied her uterus of the final drops of that postpartum bleeding garbage, her baby should be ready for real foods. The kind in a jar. Or a carton. Something with a brand name on it. Or home-blended if she’s the martyr type I mentioned. There’s no way she’s making enough breast milk — poor, starving baby. Oh, be sure to stress her about that, too.

9). Get the guns ready for baby girl.

Some say this kind of comment only serves to control a daughter’s sexuality (never mind that it invents her non-existent sexuality in toddlerhood…).

“Watch out for this one, daddy!” … “You’ll have some trouble with this one!” .. “Ooh, look at her dancing on tables already, LOL.”

Anyone who dares to admonish hilarious comments such as these should not only lighten up, but also note a reality check: Rape culture only switches on like a timer for conventionally attractive females upon reaching an accepted age of sexual capability, not when they’re willfully eating Crayons. So until then, all directly verbalized or implied sexual innuendo remains null and void. Sickos.

The girl and her parents might want to start warming up to: 1) the concept of her worth as limited to the flirt potential of her clothing and the suggestive nature of her general body movements (whether that be the way she walks or dances or sits with legs uncrossed), and 2) the right her daddy has to choose, reject, or kill her future romantic interests.

10). Pierce her.

Advise the mother to get it done at Claire’s because it’s such a cuter story. Or suggest a pediatrician’s office because the facade of faultless safety will excuse the “issue” (occasionally surfaced by crazy motherhood hippies) of her daughter’s lack of consent for the bejeweling of earlobes that just met air for the first time like, three days ago.

It’s a cosmetic tradition that makes a lady out of a woman. Or, out of a girl. Okay, well, baby in this case. Kind of still reminiscent of a fetus actually… But it’s never too soon to grow up. See # 9.

Plus, it’s the principle of the thing. Remind the mother that she owns her baby’s body, and encourage her to punch as many pretty holes in her property as she sees fit. Like a cheap craft project. I hear Claire’s gives discounts, too.

11). Baby boy is a ladies’ man.

We all know the male sex drive is unrelenting, historically demanding, and world-conquering.

Teach the mother that if her baby bats his eyes at someone, he is flirting. And if he crawls after a female baby, that means he’s claimed her as his girlfriend. Oh, he wants it alright. Boys will be boys, you know?

See if she’d be willing to cut the umbilical cord already and let daddy take him out cruising for chicks. Assure her not to worry about that pair of milky breasts she obsesses over… her little boy will return to fulfill her need for affection. Because her baby is a boob man, after all.

12). Cut him.

Boys are filthy. And stupid and lazy. Just because every mammal on Earth — with a brain a fraction the heft of a human’s — can keep their genitals clean without any problems, doesn’t mean her boy can. Science, people! And logic! And the AAP!

And boys are rough ‘n tumble, you know? They’re gonna skin their knees every once in a while. Skinning their genitals is like a rite of passage into “manning up.” Tell the mother he needs to take one for the team and “snip the tip”; his jewels belong to the family.

Have you heard any of these lines from family, friends, coworkers or strangers (whether as sarcastic or more passive-aggressive)? How did it make you feel? Did their words affect your welcome into motherhood or did you recognize the ridiculous negativity for what it was?

READ MORE about what peaceful parenting IS and what it ISN’T:

Attached Parents at Work

Baby Sleep Resources

Babywearing Resources

Cry It Out / Sleep Training Dangers

Natural Term Breastfeeding / Child-Led Weaning

Saving Our Sons

[Attachment Parenting] and Spanking Don’t Mix